I have been pretty much stuck on the hamster wheel of life lately. You know the one, right? The one where you just keep running and can’t catch up. The one where you’re constantly busy but never getting anything accomplished. The one where you are running towards no where. Yep. That’s the one. I’ve been living inside that hamster wheel for awhile now.
September was really busy. We were awake a lot. Not really wide eyed and bushy tail awake but the not sleeping kind of awake. I don’t want to jinx myself but last night marked the first night in weeks, maybe months now, that my babypants hasn’t been waking up every hour or two. Coming to a theater near you….well rested mama. Hopefully.
So while we were not sleeping it felt like we were really busy all the time. Busy getting absolutely nothing accomplished. Spinning our wheels and getting nowhere. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to get anywhere crazy but simple places like the grocery store would be nice. September was much too busy and important for the mundane grocery store though. When Science Guy wasn’t jet hopping around the country and was actually home (which was rare), I was making him take me out to eat. The grocery store was too far a destination for the weak and weary. So was the laundry room. Also the vacuum cleaner seemed to be out of my reach from where I ran on the hamster wheel. In fact, just about most things were just a hair out of my reach.
I woke up this morning though with a to do list written in sharpie. Indelible sharpie. The markers dreams are made of. One night of sleep and a to do list written in sharpie….I’m ready to set the world on fire and blow this hamster wheel.
do you remember the bills you have to pay or even yesterday?
I heard this song in the car today and could have sworn David Bowie was talking to me. I am pretty sure he wrote this song about me, for me and in spite of me. I am that Young American he talks about. Most of the time I can’t remember the bills I have to pay or even yesterday. Most of the time I am not even sure what day it is anymore.
The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of fun. Teething, buckets of drool, sleepless nights, sleepless days, long days, longer nights, less daylight, cooler mornings, tears shed, less running, less cooking, less baking and less project making and overall feeling crazy busy. The so busy my head is going to explode kind of busy.
I woke today to find a broken dryer, wet towels, wet clothes, a sleepless, napless baby, a brandspanking new delivery of the wrong contact lenses and a never quiet, always barking dog. Overall, I’d say the day was a rousing success.
How about you?
Who is Ryan Seacrest? Seriously. Who is he? Where did he come from? How come he owns half of network television? I thought he was some guy that hosted American Idol until I realized that he also produced, directed and owned everything that aired on Fox, ABC, NBC, and CBS. I don’t even watch TV and yet I am acutely aware of this Seacrest character. I’m also aware of the “Seacrest Out” phenomenon. I think that was mostly in part due to the inordinate amount of time I spent listening to Howard Stern. The original Howard Stern that is. The one prior to divorcing and remarrying. The one that used to make fun of Ryan Seacrest. Now they probably rub elbows in the Hamptons. Anyway, who is Ryan Seacrest exactly?
I am guest posting today on milk.mom.baby and sharing my incredible breastfeeding experience. Brooke who runs milk.mom.baby is an incredible mama who makes breastfeeding keepsakes. Head over to read my story and stay awhile to check her out!
Buckle your seatbelts. I’m about to get personal.
This weekend was heavy. It was full of disappointment and defeat. I just felt defeated. Like the throw in the towel, I give up, I quit, I’m taking my ball and going home kind of defeat.
This year marks the 9th anniversary of my mama’s battle with cancer. Cancer won. She lost. She never saw me in my wedding dress. She never saw my first ultrasound. She never met my baby. She never saw my first home. She missed the day I gave birth. She missed my son’s baptism. She wasn’t here to help me pick paint colors for my home or to watch the 4th of July parade from my porch. She didn’t attend my bridal shower or my baby shower. She didn’t help decorate the nursery. She’s missed a lot.
Every year since her passing, I have joined forces with my family and friends and did an annual charity walk in her memory. It started small. Just the family. We paid our $25, put on our sneakers and spent the morning together walking. With each passing year, we grew a little. Not much mind you but just enough. We formed a team. We invited friends to join us. We printed up team shirts. We fundraised. We campaigned. We made money. We put on our sneakers. We walked. Every year has not been a rousing success but every year we tried. Every year, we walked together.
This year was different. This year, I committed to something that conflicted with the walk. This year, I didn’t form a team. This year, I couldn’t form a team. This year, I was busy with a high spirited 9 month old who needed my attention. He comes first. He comes before everything else. I didn’t know if I would be able to do the walk because of this commitment I had made elsewhere. I passed the torch on to someone else to form a team. Anyone really. There were no takers. No one formed a team. No one registered to walk except two friends. Not even my family registered to walk. How sad is that? Ultimately, my commitment fell through and I was able to walk. I had no team. I missed registration. I showed up the day of the walk to pay my registration fee and walk. Only a few of my family came. Most did not.
Suddenly, it was no longer a day of celebrating my mama’s memory. Instead, it suddenly felt like a day heavy with defeat and disappointment as I quietly celebrated the life and spirit of this woman I called my mother. I looked at my own child and prayed that one day he would not become too busy to celebrate my life when I was no longer earthside.
This feeling of defeat and disappointment has been a lingering theme in my life for weeks, maybe even months. There has been a huge learning curve to parenting and adjusting to the new dynamic in the household. People say having a baby changes everything. It certainly does but I don’t think it’s possible to grasp what that really means until you actually have a baby. So here I am with baby in tow adjusting to this new life without any guidance. I won’t lie. It’s hard. There have been days riddled with the feeling of defeat and disappointment as no one I talked to could relate to the sheer exhaustion I sometimes felt or the moments of crying from utter exhaustion. Okay, I just lied. There were a few people that related but there were more people that didn’t relate than did. There were a few weeks were I actually began to think I was suffering from post partum depression until I realized I was just tired. Really tired. Physically and emotionally exhausted from meeting the needs of my baby but also feeling the need to defend myself and my choices. I don’t feel like explaining for the 90th time that my kid is a baby and babies don’t know how to just fall asleep on their own. Or that my kid is breastfed and no, I can’t just put him in his crib with a bottle at night. Or that yes, I did choose to stay at home and not return to work. And no, we don’t have money to go to A, B or C or buy X, Y or Z. Or yes, we are fine not having the funds to whatever it is that you think we should be doing or buying, etc. The funny part is though that normally I don’t care what people say or think about me. Adjusting to parenting changed all that though. It was so foreign to me (still is). There were times I was full of self doubt. I needed guidance and some gentle reassurance but it was hard to find. Really hard to find. I had to look really hard and couldn’t always find it.
Then suddenly this weekend it dawned on me that I needed to change my mind to change my life. I already know this. I spent a decade telling other people this and yet somehow didn’t tell myself this. What I was doing in my life wasn’t working for me, isn’t working for me. I am exactly where I need to be doing exactly what I should be doing. It’s time for a change. Defeat and disappointment are so heavy. I have this beautiful family and this beautiful life that I should be celebrating every day.
I changed my mind this weekend. I decided to celebrate my life. I decided to celebrate my mama’s life. Essentially it all comes full circle. I said goodbye to heavy feelings of disappointment and defeat and I welcomed in the feelings of love, joy and gratitude. I am celebrating the simplicity of my life and learning to appreciate the beauty of my life.
I know. They sound disgusting. Why would anyone want chocolate chickpeas? That’s just weird. Here’s the thing though, they really aren’t disgusting. They actually taste like a dense chocolate sponge cake more than brownie bites but I like to call them brownie bites so there you have it. These are rich and delicious. Sweet and nutritious. Consider yourself lucky to have found the recipe!
What you’ll need:
1.5 cups dairy free, grain free chocolate chips
4 organic large eggs
15 oz organic chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1/2 cup organic maple syrup
1/2 tsp baking powder
1. Pre-heat oven to 350.
2. Melt chocolate chips in double boiler. If you don’t have a double boiler, nest two sauce pans on the stove with enough water in the larger pan to reach about halfway up the side of the smaller pan. Pour chips in the smaller sauce pan and simmer the water. Stir frequently as these chips will melt quickly!
3. Process beans and eggs in blender or food processor until smooth. Add melted chocolate, maple syrup and baking powder. Blend until smooth.
4. Pour batter into lightly greased 8×8 pan and bake 35-40 minutes or until they pass the toothpick test. Allow to cool.
5. Cut into brownie sized bites.
Let me know if you try these and what you think!!
Please note that the title of this post should read like a question to you and not a directive.
For you see, I have lost all control over my inbox. I just sat down in front of the world wide interwebz after putting babypants to bed only to find that I have 296 unread emails waiting for me. The other week I had over 800 unread emails waiting for me. Clearly, I have no control over the management of my inbox. I barely have time to check my email let alone sift through hundreds of emails to see if any of them are worth reading. Most of them are not. Occasionally, there’s an email in there that I should be reading and it almost always sneaks past me without fail.
I developed an addiction to sample sale and flash sale websites several years ago. I signed up for everyone I could find: Rue lala, zulily, hautelook, gilt, beyond the rack, living social, groupon, one kings lane, steals, and the list goes on and one. Seriously, there are more. I am a member of more sales. In fact more than I have time to read about. More than I have time to care about. I’ve tried to unsubscribe to several email lists in the past. I have been successfully removed from some. It didn’t make a dent in the amount of emails that flood my inbox. I am thinking of hiring a personal assistant to manage my inbox at this point.
So in reference to the post title, I am not directing anyone how to manage your inbox. Instead, I am pleading with you, friends of the interwebz, to share all of your helpful tips, suggestions and advice on how to break the bad habit of letting my digital mail collect dust. How do you do it?
There is no better sound than that of my son’s lilting singsong voice right before he falls asleep. I could listen to that sound all day long. In fact, I just listened to that sound for nearly 90 minutes as I rocked him back to sleep. That sound is the sweetest sound my ears have ever heard. In a hushed tone, he whispers and sings the words ma ma and da da over and over again. Music to my ears. I love that sound.
Do you know that sound?
I’ve been away from the interwebs for a minute to get down with my bad self and my beautiful family. This weekend was packed full of goodness.
8 things we did this weekend:
1. looked awesome
2. prayed in church
3. went to a cornroast
4. made things
5. built things
6. baked things
7. ate the things we baked
8. celebrated the people we love
What did you do this weekend?
Green smoothies are what’s for breakfast. They are the breakfast of champions. Or at least the breakfast of mamas. Or at least the breakfast of this mama. I love them. I have been indulging in a green smoothie on a daily basis for 5 or 6 years now.
It all began when I wanted a vitamix. Science guy thought I was nuts for wanting to spend so much money on a blender to make a smoothie. That is of course until we went to a local home show and he witnessed all the miracles of the vitamix with his own eyes and mouth. Those vitamix guys powered up smoothies and soups and salsa….oh my! Before we left that evening, I was the lucky owner of one beautiful vitamix which I scored at a discounted price because it was refurbished!! Since that day, I have never looked back. My mornings have been filled with green goodness. I’ve given my smoothies to my dog and even he approves.
Here’s what you’ll need:
1 cup flax milk
1-2 cups kale or spinach
1/2 cup fresh or frozen fruit: mango, peaches, berries, etc
1/4 cup ground flax
1 Tbsp chia seeds
1 Tbsp fresh ground almond butter
Dump all ingredients in blender and press the power button! Blend until silky smooth. Pour into your favorite drinking glass and enjoy!
WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!
The giveaway results are powered by random.org and are in. The winner of the toddler bow scarf giveaway is MARISA! Please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to claim your prize.
Thank you to everyone that participated!