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Earlier this week, I was woken at 3 am to the sounds of whimpering coming from the room next door.  I rolled over and reached for the baby monitor.  I watched my baby lie in his crib as still as can be.  I could hear the whimpering and moaning coming from next door but there was no movement to accompany it.  His whimpers eventually turned into little cries.  There were moments of silence. I waited and watched.  He was still.  Perhaps he fell back asleep.  Then, little cries pierced the silence.  No.  No, he did not fall back asleep.

 

I spent the next two hours quietly rocking him in his nursery.  We moved from the glider to standing and back to the glider.  We swayed.  We rocked.  We nursed.  At one point, I was pacing the floor while holding my son and patting his back.  His head was gently resting on my shoulder and I began to cry.  It was at this moment that I realized that I missed rocking him to sleep. I had not held him this way in months.  The last time I held him this way, I was just praying it would be over soon. I felt like I couldn’t rock him anymore.  I couldn’t endure the hour long nursing and rocking to sleep sessions.  I was tired. I needed time to recharge.  I was failing at my job.  My child wasn’t able to fall asleep.  My child wasn’t able to stay asleep.  I couldn’t do this anymore.  Ironically, here I was savoring the moment.  The exact moment that only months ago I had secretly wished would end.  This time, I held on to my son and cried.

 

Time is fleeting.  It goes by so fast.  I miss so many moments and opportunities because I am distracted throughout the day and tired at night.  This night was different though.  I cherished the opportunity to spend two hours alone with my son. I would have rocked him for another 2 hours, 2 days or 2 weeks for that matter.

 

The house was quiet.  Nothing to do.  Nowhere to go.  Just me and him.

 

 

 

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5 Responses to “nothing to do. nowhere to go.”

  1. Mary says:

    A- I love this. What you expressed is so beautiful and personal. I relate completely which is why I don’t mind and actually cherish holding my littlest one all night.
    Mary recently posted…9 Tips to Soothe Dry Winter Skin and EczemaMy Profile

    • superfreshbabypants says:

      Thanks mama! It is sometimes hard to imagine now that I ever wanted this feeling to end. That I was so tired and frustrated that I wanted him to sleep without me, not need me to rock him, not need me to nurse him. Now, I long to sit with him and rock, to read the same book 25 times, to nurse as long as he needs to…to just hold him a little longer and freeze time.

  2. I truly enjoyed your story you shared. So many have and do feel this way and then the guilt and regret creeps right in! My daughter is 34 now and what I missed with her while being a breastfed baby, and me working, I try and make up for with my 5 grandkids. Thank you for sharing as we are all human.
    Kimberly Curtis recently posted…$10 Healthy Meal ChallengeMy Profile

    • superfreshbabypants says:

      Enjoy your grandchildren! It is such a blessing to be able to connect with another generation of little ones all over again!

  3. I could so relate. I often realize that I am simultaneously wanting my boys to grow up and stay little. After a few years of parenting, I read the quote again – “The days are long but the years are short.” It was like finally, really getting it. It is so true. The day to day seems so long and exhausting, but when I look back it seems like it was just a blink of the eyes ago that my boys were born. Glad you got that moment to soak it in and hold on to it!
    Beth at Structure in an Unstructured Life recently posted…Ask Away Friday with Rabia!My Profile

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