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24, Oct 2013

It has been 11 months.  Roughly 330 days and nights.  I have logged a little over 1,350 hours of sleep in the last 11 months.  An average of 4-5 hours of interrupted sleep a night.  Sometimes less.  Never more.

I am running on empty.  I am exhausted.  Running on fumes.

Yesterday was another epic of day of no napping.  I lie…there was a thirty minute nap around 8:30 am.  That was it.  After waking up before sunrise.  Waking up in the 5 am hour.  There was one thirty minute nap.  The nap wasn’t taken by me though. It was taken by my kid, the one that doesn’t sleep.

He doesn’t sleep at night.  For the past 11 months, he has woken every 2-3 hours at night.  Sometimes every hour.  He has a habit of waking up at 4 am and not going back to sleep.  Sometimes 5 am.  Science Guy and I counted the amount of times he has actually slept any consecutive number of hours greater than 3.  The conclusion….about 6 times…..6 times in the past 11 months.

Sleepless nights are compounded by sleepless days sometimes.  Those are the days that I run on empty.  I run on fumes.  I feel like I have nothing left.  I sometimes secretly wish that I could drop him off at daycare and someone else could handle him for a little bit.  I could just have some quiet time.  A minute by myself.  A moment to think.  Some time to regroup.  Maybe even a nap.

Then, I look at my sweet baby and he fills my love tank up.  The tank is full.  The battery is recharged.  I can keep moving.

superfresh babyknitsxoxo,

boss lady

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6 Responses to “running on empty”

  1. You described my first born, Malone to the letter. Those sleepless days were TOUGH. They’ve gotten better over time but be in the thick of it is so hard. It is so hard to run on fumes day after day after day. Some kids just aren’t sleepers and it blows. I remember seeing my friend Tamara (who also has child the same age as Malone). Scarlet would literally sleep through anything… she would just pass out in a loud room. And that sucked to see a kid the same age who was an awesome sleeper. Not gonna lie. There are so many reasons why babies don’t sleep- especially the first year. If he slept worse than normal the last few days, it is probably because he’s on the verge of learning a new skill- a developmental leap they call it. Malone’s terrible sleep ALWAYS got worse right before he gained a new skill. There is a leap that happens right around 10.5-11 months (get the book Wonder Weeks, if you haven’t got it already). You can’t prevent it, but I found comfort in the WHY.

    At almost 4.5 years old, Malone has finally mastered sleep. He’s still co sleeping with my husband, but I don’t really care because he sleeps through the night. At 7:30 pm (after stories) we kiss him goodnight and he goes to bed on his own. He wakes sometime between 6:30 and 7:00 for the day. BUT I saw many many sunrises with him during his baby and toddler days. Too many to count. You don’t have to enjoy every moment of these days… it’s OKAY not to. I know I didn’t sometimes. Motherhood is TOUGH business. Malone stretched and grew me like no other. He blew every idea I had about motherhood out of the water and I’m a better person because of that growth.

    I say all of this to you because I want you to know you’re not alone. It can seem like a never ending path when you are in the middle of it. But friend, remember this- nothing lasts forever. Things will get better. Promise.

    xoxo
    NJ @ A Cookie Before Dinner recently posted…The Mother Of All Meltdowns Review, Blog Tour Stop, & GiveawayMy Profile

    • superfreshbabypants says:

      Thank you for the heartfelt response. It brought tears to my eyes. These nights are long and the days are longer right now. It is such a lonely place sometimes. I feel so disconnected from the real world. I try to enjoy as much of it as possible because as painful as it is sometimes, I know it is short lived and it will pass. I will miss it when it’s gone. It is reassuring to know I am not alone. Equally reassuring to know that you gambled and had another :) There are far too many days right now where I feel like having another will destroy me even though I want him to have a sibling :)

      xoxo

  2. I’m so sorry you are going through this! My daughter was an AWFUL sleeper too. I know how terrible it feels to be so sleep deprived. I used to get so down that I had “the non-sleeper”. I know it doesn’t help, but just wanted to say hang in there. My daughter did get better as she got older. I would say around 14 months it got easier. She started sleeping better throughout the night and would finally nap for more than 45 minutes.
    Karen @ Karen’s Soiree recently posted…Happenings…My Profile

    • superfreshbabypants says:

      Thanks mama! It’s nice to know that there is hope! I hope that his sleep patterns correct themselves at some point and he starts sleeping a little better. We just completed yet another night of waking every two hours :(

  3. I’m so sorry!! I wish I lived closer – I would say bring him over for a few hours – go take a nap!! Lack of sleep can be terrible and change your whole outlook. Hang in there, mama!!
    Beth at Structure in an Unstructured Life recently posted…Comment on The Lost (and Found) Art of Conversation by BethMy Profile

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