This past weekend was riddled with three long nights of sleeplessness. I was exhausted and frustrated. I was mean to my family. I had just published a post on missing those newborn sleepless nights and here I was cursing myself for ever wishing for such a thing. I try so hard to enjoy my time with my little guy but sometimes it is hard. It is harder than I ever imagined it would be. Harder than I thought possible. There are some days when I don’t know how we survive. Like magic, we always do though.
Just when I started using phrases like “you’ll drive me to drink” (which happens to be one of my favorite sayings from my own childhood), I stumbled upon 100 happy days. Just a simple website designed to encourage noticing the small things in our day to day existence that make us happy because honestly everyday is not all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes we have to work a little harder to find the happy.
The truth is I am never to busy to be happy. I am never to busy to play with my son or enjoy him. In fact, I am extremely blessed with a husband who reminds me often that my only job right now is my son. The house, the laundry, the grocery shopping, the dinner….none of that stuff matters. It will all get done eventually and in the meantime I should rock my son, nurse my son, go for a run, take a nap, take a shower or do whatever needs to be done to make me a better mom. I don’t always listen. I don’t always hear him in the the thick of it all but when calmness replaces the chaos, I can hear clearly. He wants us to be happy. I am fortunate.
I am doing the #100happydays challenge on Instagram right now. Just a snapshot of something in each day that brings a little sunshine to my life. You can follow me on my Instagram account at superfreshbabypants to see my happy place each day. Better yet, you can join me in the challenge to find your happy in each day.
Earlier this week, I was woken at 3 am to the sounds of whimpering coming from the room next door. I rolled over and reached for the baby monitor. I watched my baby lie in his crib as still as can be. I could hear the whimpering and moaning coming from next door but there was no movement to accompany it. His whimpers eventually turned into little cries. There were moments of silence. I waited and watched. He was still. Perhaps he fell back asleep. Then, little cries pierced the silence. No. No, he did not fall back asleep.
I spent the next two hours quietly rocking him in his nursery. We moved from the glider to standing and back to the glider. We swayed. We rocked. We nursed. At one point, I was pacing the floor while holding my son and patting his back. His head was gently resting on my shoulder and I began to cry. It was at this moment that I realized that I missed rocking him to sleep. I had not held him this way in months. The last time I held him this way, I was just praying it would be over soon. I felt like I couldn’t rock him anymore. I couldn’t endure the hour long nursing and rocking to sleep sessions. I was tired. I needed time to recharge. I was failing at my job. My child wasn’t able to fall asleep. My child wasn’t able to stay asleep. I couldn’t do this anymore. Ironically, here I was savoring the moment. The exact moment that only months ago I had secretly wished would end. This time, I held on to my son and cried.
Time is fleeting. It goes by so fast. I miss so many moments and opportunities because I am distracted throughout the day and tired at night. This night was different though. I cherished the opportunity to spend two hours alone with my son. I would have rocked him for another 2 hours, 2 days or 2 weeks for that matter.
The house was quiet. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Just me and him.
Hard to believe that we’ve logged another 30 days together, isn’t it? There were some tiring days in there but mostly your dad and I are smitten and in love….and tired.
It’s been another monumental month of firsts. You are completely mobile now and are crawling everywhere…especially in the direction of the dog. He is crazy. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. You are beginning to pull yourself up and attempt independent standing. You practice a lot of downward facing dog. I’m not sure if you’re a yoga baby or attempting to stand but time will tell.
You’ve also become quite the foodie too. We have given you a mixed bag of homemade purees, store bought purees and some small finger foods. You’ve shown a fondness for squash, carrots, sweet potatoes, apples, pears and bananas and any variety of those fruits and veggies mixed. So far, I haven’t been able to sell you on peas but it doesn’t mean I will stop trying. You’ve rocked the sippy cup too and started sitting in the highchair when eating out.
Speaking of becoming a foodie, you’ve inherited your front teeth. All 4! Tops and bottoms. You enjoy them too. At least you enjoy grinding them which makes it sound like you’re eating shards of glass. It’s like music to my ears if my ears thought nails on a chalkboard was music.
Your mobility allows you freedom to inspect everything from our shoelaces to cardboard boxes and the iron heating grates. You love exploring your surroundings now. You also love any toy that makes noise. You are obsessed with your rattles, maraccas and banging on the floor or baskets. You have visited your first baby gym and music classes are just an email away now.
Not only are you a mover and shaker but you’ve also started to pick up some signs. You can now sign for ‘up’ to be picked up and can wave. On top of signing you are saying ma ma and da da. You tend to vocalize at the appropriate times so the jury is still out whether you actually have any idea what you’re saying. Of course, I like to believe that you are a genius but whatever.
You’ve logged your fair share of days at the pool, another sand eating mini vacay and your first 4th of July celebration. It’s clear that you’re going places in life!
Time is flying by. If I could freeze these moments I would. Your dad and I are completely obsessed with you…even if it sounds like you eat glass shards.
Ma ma (aka boss lady)